Jan 29, Thursday Evening:  I'm happy to report that I did three nights in a row on my treadmill!  But I'm still only able to do a few minutes at a time.  I can't believe I was up to 25 minutes at a time just a short while ago.  If you don't use it, you lose it!  Now I know for sure that is true.  But I'll build back up to it.  I think having the days getting longer is good for me.  I don't do well in the dark winter months.  Just want to hibernate.  I'm so anxious for spring.  Today I will spend a large part of my waking hours shoveling snow.  But not just any snow... snow with a thick crust of ice on it!  I'm ready to give up!  It will be a good work out for sure.  On another note, any of you watching Biggest Loser?  American Idol?  The Bachelor?  If so, I'm right there with you!  (Let's not be embarrassed to admit watching those shows!)  These are just some of my favorites!

Jan 27, Tuesday Evening:  Well I did it.  I got back on the treadmill.  Gee... I'm going to have to start all over building up my stamina.  Just doing 2 minutes at a time nearly killed me.  But last time I built up to doing a mile at a time in about two weeks.  So I think I'll be okay.  I did 1/2 last night and will do it again tonight.  I've got it on my schedule for 5 nights a week then I'll take the weekend off.  When 1/2 is easy I'll go up to 3/4 then a mile eventually.  I hope I can keep it up this time.  Last time I lasted 6 weeks then gave up.  I wish I didn't hate exercise so much!!!

Jan 26, Monday Afternoon:  I know how I'm always saying that I will not force myself to exercise because adding a task on my to-do list can stress me out.  But today I've decided that I really must get back on that thing.  I just feel so sluggish and I remember feeling more upbeat when I was walking.  So I'm going to start a little at a time 5 days a week and see how it goes.  Ugh!  But I know it will boost my weight loss so I have to do it.  Although looking back at my chart I see that I was still losing only a tiny bit at a time while I was walking.  Hmmm... is it really worth the energy and time?  I wish that for one week I could do nothing but work out like the Biggest Loser contestants just to see if it really would move that scale.  But I'd need to work on it 6 to 8 hours a day like they do and I can't afford to take time off from work.  But work is slow for me right now.  So it would be a good time to try working on just me and not my business.  It's giving me something to think about.  Going to walk now.  Will think about it on the treadmill :o)

Jan 25, Sunday Afternoon:  Another Sunday!  It's my favorite day because it's the day I get to weigh myself!  And it means Monday is almost here and I get to break away from the TV and get back to work.  I try to watch movies with my mother during weekends... our quality time.  But I'm really more content during the week when I can be at the computer or the sewing machine and I have Oprah and Dr. Phil to keep me company.  Not a very exciting life but there is just something comforting about a Monday.  Well, today is Sunday and my sister is here so I guess it's no work for me and all play.  We will play some board games and watch movies and... well... I will sneak off to do some work in between the play :o)  Oh, in case you didn't read my Jan 22 entry I just want to show you my doggies.  They are so cute! click here

Jan 23, Friday Afternoon:  I have suddenly rediscovered a pastime that I love and it keeps me busy and away from thoughts about food... it's playing games!  My mother and I used to play board games, card games, and dice games all the time.  But for some reason we stopped.  It's been years since we played.  Well, I had this little game table that I bought a couple years back and we are finally putting it to good use.  Now we play games every day.  And I never eat while playing games... just like I never eat at the computer.  So the more time I spend playing games the less time I spend thinking about food!  And it's so nice to still have something my mother and I can do together.  She's almost 86 now and our beach days and shopping days are over because she has a hard time walking.  But her mind is all there and she can still beat me at any game we play :o)

Jan 22, Thursday Afternoon:  I started my day out on a good note... I made a trip to Wal-Mart.  I love it when I get shopping out of the way and then I can come home to work :o)  But I was not able to accomplish what I really went out for.  We have just one key for our front door and I need to have some made.  But the door is over 100 years old and it seems like it's not going to be easy to have a key made.  Wal-Mart certainly could not do it and now my husband called and said the hardware store said no too.  Now he's off to another hardware store.  I think we'll have to change the lock.  But I love that old door and hate to put a new lock in an old door.  We've lasted all these years with one key, but that's mostly because in my whole life we never locked the door.  We didn't start locking doors until maybe 10 years ago.  We never locked the house doors or the windows or the car doors while in our driveway.  But now times are different and we must lock up.  I still think it's silly because anyone who wants to come in just has to break a window.  Gee... I'm going on and on about nothing.  Let's get back to some emails...
Do you have any pets?
Yes, we have 3 dogs.  But just so you know... they are never allowed in my sewing area which is in the basement.  So no dog hair on my fabric.  My mom's dog is Bichon Frise named Cupcake.  We raised him from a pup and he's 12 years old now.  Then 3 years ago I got my first shelter dog.  I had to put down my precious German Shepherd mix three years earlier and felt I was ready for another.  But when I played with the shepherd that I picked out at the shelter she just didn't seem to like me.  Then I spotted a darling scruffy looking dog and I knew my husband would prefer that dog and that's the one I came home with... and I named him Scruffy.  He's about 9 years old.  He's our joy, but he is costing us a small fortune in medical bills for various ailments... still wouldn't trade him for the world.  Then a year later I looked at the shelter's site and they had a Pom mix who needed hospice care.  He was free to any good home who would care for him during his "last days."  I ran to get him because I figured I would not  have time to get attached and he would not cost us anything in vet bills because he was dying.  That was over 2 years ago and little Puff, who is maybe 14-ish, is still with us... and he's costing us a fortune too!  But we love him so much and I'd do it all again to have that darling little dog in my home.  He's deaf, has a bad heart, has thyroid disease, two tumors, skin problems (I have to keep him shaved and bathe him constantly), bad cataracts... the list goes on and on.  But he's my little follower and never leaves my side.  So, those are the pets in my family.  And you can see them all here!
Hi Darlene, You mentioned that exercise stresses you out but walking helps ease stress.  So don't you think you should go back to walking?
Here's the thing... yes, walking does help ease stress.  At least it did for me.  It's not the walking that stresses me out.  It's putting it on my to-do list that stresses me out.  I have to be very careful that I never put too much on my plate (that goes for food and tasks) because if I see that I'm not keeping up with something I've told myself I must do I can spiral into depression.  And I know, walking helps depression too.  But again, I have to treat myself the way I feel is best for my mental health first, then physical health second.
I just want to let you know that you have inspired me to make some drastic changes in my life... thank you!
No, thank YOU for emailing me and letting me know that.  If I can inspire even one person then keeping up with this blog is worth it :o)
Can you start a page of tips to help the rest of us?  I remember reading on your blog awhile back something about not keeping food in your cabinets.  I'd love more tips like that.
You have a good memory.  Yes, my cabinets are filled with painting supplies.  I have one cabinet with a few cans of veggies and one drawer filled with cans of soup broth.  I do not buy more than I need for a few days.  And I'd love to start a "helpful tips" section and I think my readers could certainly give me ideas for that page too!  Let me work on it.

Jan 21, Wednesday Night:  I have lots of emails that I have not been able to reply to so I think I'll take a few minutes and answer some of the questions I got here...
Do you think eating the same thing every day is really something you can live with?
I think you all know that for quite awhile now I've been eating my survival soup and not much else.  And I really need to stick to that.  Less variety is best for me.  If I have too many options I will eat too many foods.  My soup is healthy and it gives me the fuel I need.  I can live with that.
How much do you exercise?
I don't.  I was walking on the treadmill for about 6 weeks but got sick of that.  I never force myself to exercise because it stresses me out and I try to live as stress free as possible.  But... I will say this.  I go up and down the stairs a lot because I sew in the basement and my computer is on the 2nd floor.  And I also do things like shovel, paint walls, park at the end of parking lots, etc.  I try to move.
Do you really think losing 12 pounds in 20 weeks is good?
No... I think it's GREAT!
How often do you eat?
I don't start eating until 1:00pm or later.  I sleep late because I suffer from chronic insomnia and only sleep in spurts throughout the night.  So I usually stay in bed until at least 11:00am.  Then I have coffee and work on the computer for about an hour.  Then I shower and get dressed.  So I eat my first bite around 1:00pm then usually again anywhere between 3:00 and 5:00pm then again around 7:00pm.  Then I always have popcorn around midnight.
Shoot!  American Idol is on so I have to run!

Jan 18, Sunday Evening:  I broke down today and went out to buy a snow blower... and thank goodness the snow blower store was CLOSED because I really can't afford to buy one.  I can barely afford the shovel I'm using!  And I sure am using it!  We got over a foot of snow today.  It's not enough that I have to shovel the driveway but also a very long path for the oil man.  And then I have to shovel my rental property too because my tenants moved out.  So, more exercise for me!  I'm glad tomorrow is a holiday so I don't have to worry about the oil man or the mail carrier coming and I can take my time digging out of this mess.  And today was weigh day.  I can't believe twenty weeks gone by already.  I wish I had twenty pounds gone but heck, I'll take twelve pounds any day :o)  Oh, I'm starting a new site just for fun.  I'm sick of always looking up the links to my favorite shows and other stuff so I started a list directory.  At first it was just for my own ease but then decided I'd turn it into Link City!  I'm just starting so there are very few links right now but you can take a look if you want and maybe you can give me ideas.  See it here... Link City.

Jan 17, Saturday Evening:  Man, it has been COLD here!  One part of Maine reached a record low of -50... yes, that's 50 below zero!  That was about 175 miles north of where I live.  That is cold!  Right now it's 18 degrees and that feels warm.  I'd rather have the cold weather than the snow.  Cold is easy to deal with... you just stay in the warm house.  Snow requires shoveling and that's the part I don't like!  I can't believe it's already Sunday tomorrow.  And I'll be weighing in as usual.  And I'm sure I'll have a tiny loss as usual.  But I'll take any loss I get :o)  Now, I think I'll do some work.  I've just realized that Monday is a holiday and I hate holidays!  I can't mail out packages on holidays.  Oh well, I guess my mail carrier deserves the break :o)  That's right!  USPS prices are going up again too.  The new rates for packages are in effect on Tuesday and first class stamps go up in May.  Well, not too much else going on here.  Oh, I made a new soup!  I made chili soup and will have to post the recipe.  It was delicious and a nice change of pace from my regular survival soup.  I will get you the recipe soon.

Jan 14, Wednesday Early Morning:  Okay... I give up.  I've been trying to sleep all night but I have so much on my mind that I decided to have some coffee and start my day.  I slept for a couple hours then woke up at 5:00am and tossed and turned for 2.5 hours and decided to just get up and come to my blog so I could get things off my chest.  I have several very large and very expensive things on my to do list and these tasks are making me sick.  Let's see... where do I start.  I'm the personal rep for a brother who died three years ago.  I'm in Maine and he was in Arizona.  I flew to AZ when back then and got a lawyer and had to give a $2,000 retainer.  I took care of the few things I could take care of while there like cleaning up his home, donating his clothing, etc.  Fast forward to now... it's been three years and during that time I suffered a great depression and could not bring myself to finish the stuff I had to finish to close the probate (I don't even understand any of that stuff).  Now I'm in a tough spot because I can't go back to AZ (absolutely no money for that travel) and the lawyers are telling me everything has to be closed NOW and they need more money because I've wasted so much time (they even charge me every time they send me an invoice).  Okay, so that's one monumental task.  Then if and when it's ever closed I have to deal with either selling or renting his property.  And he has three vehicles sitting there which are probably all vandalized by now.  And who knows what mess that home is in.  Probably frozen pipes with water damage (it gets cold in Flagstaff in the winter).  I just want to crawl under a rock and die when I think about all I have to do to get this done.  Not to mention that it's a very sad task because I miss my brother so much.  Next on the list... my vision is getting worse.  I just had another visit to my eye surgeon and the second lasik surgery I had did not work.  So I'm going in for yet a third surgery on Feb 4.  Am I hopeful?  NOT!!!  The second surgery seemed to make my vision worse.  I'm afraid after a third surgery I'll be blind!  But my surgeon reassures me we will get this right... I don't know... I'm just plain scared.  She's the top surgeon in Maine so what can I do but trust her!  Next... I have a bad roof that caused much water damage this summer when we had rain.  Insurance won't cover it because the roof needed repair.  So that roof is still bad because there is no money to fix it so all I can look forward to is even more water damage this spring when the snow melts.  Next... I have a rental property.  This was a house I bought in 06 and completely fixed up and made it absolutely beautiful.  When it was time to sell the market was bad and I would have lost money so I sat on it.  I finally rented it out to very nice people who lost their home to a fire.  Their insurance paid for them to live in my home temporarily.  It was supposed to be for only 4 months but it was extended to 6 months.  Great!  I had help with the mortgage payment for 6 months.  Well, they moved out yesterday and I checked it out and the place was trashed.  All that hard work I put into that home and they trashed the place.  They treated it like a cheap hotel room.  I've never seen such filth.  This was a couple in their late 60s... what on earth???  And they were supposed to leave with with a full tank of fuel because it was full when they moved in but of course they left it empty.  And that rain we had last summer?  Well, a dormer leaked and completely destroyed a bathroom ceiling and an entire wall.  A rotten, wet, moldy mess.  I wanted to cry but I'm cried out.  I asked them to clean the place and fill my oil tank but I think I will know how that will go.  Sure, I can keep some of the security deposit but I don't want to do all that work!!!  What else... I'm sure there is more.  Oh, my mother will be 86 soon and she seems to be going downhill.  She has a hard time walking and her balance is terrible.  It's getting so I am afraid to leave her alone for any length of time.  She refuses physical therapy and I know it's just a matter of time that I will have to be a constant round-the-clock companion.  And unfortunately she is the only person available to listen to my bitch and I feel awful to dump on her.  But she's still my mother and I need her!  But the roles have changed and I'm having a very hard time dealing with the changing roles.  I promised she will never be put in a home and I'm sticking to that promise no matter what.  I cared for my father and he was able to die here in his home and that's where I want my mother to be... at home.  I know there's more... well, this is not major but I have five vehicles... 3 need to be sold.  Two of those are junks and one needs to be fixed and sold.  They have been sitting here for 4 years.  Every day I say I have to do something about it and every day I do nothing.  Now the tree!  A huge tree fell on my garage during the ice storm.  Neighbor's tree but she will not pay so I have to go through my insurance and pay the $1,000 deductible.  Told my insurance agent that I'd sue the neighbor for the $1,000 and was informed I'd lose because it was an "act of god" and in Maine neighbors are not liable for that.  Oh goodie for them!  And then there is my business... the economy hit me hard and sales just trickle in.  I need to think of another way to make money but so far all I can do is jot down ideas and then I get depressed and forget about it.  And every time it snows I have to shovel because we have no snow blower and I can't afford to hire a plow.  And now with no tenants in my rental property I'll have to go shovel there too.  SOMEONE KILL ME!!!!  Really, I don't even want to continue this list.  I could probably list 50 more things that are making me miserable.  BUT HERE IS ONE GOOD THING!!!!  For the first time in my life I'm not concerned about my weight and I'm in complete control of my food addiction!  So that is good, right?  One shining thing to celebrate among a list of horrors.  I'm not sure that makes me feel too much better but if I were gaining weight right now I think it might just push me over the edge.  So I'm happy for any weight loss and the new control I have over my eating and at least I can look forward to my Sunday weigh-ins.  Thanks for joining my pity party!  I'd like to say I feel better for getting that off my chest... but I don't.  Oh well... c'est la vie!

Jan 11, Sunday Night:  Gee wiz... I can't believe I almost forgot to post my weight today!  The Sundays come and go so fast!  I'm still slowly plugging away at the weight.  I lose such a little at a time that I don't even notice it.  I'll be anxious for the next 10 pounds to be gone so I can take new photos and hopefully see a difference :o)  Did you catch the new season of The Biggest Loser?  I just love that show!  Every Tuesday night it's like a pep talk for me.  I love the enthusiasm they have and I truly love the results at the end of the season.  It always reassures me that I can do it too.  But for me, it will take a much longer time.  That's okay... I've got time :o)

Jan 7, Wednesday Night:  Today was my first day with no visitors.  The house was very quiet.  And we are having a bit of a storm so I just stayed in and stayed warm.  I had my delicious soup and TV and actually listed some auctions... so all is good in the world :o)  But as I write this I can hear ice hitting my window so maybe that part is not so good.  The last thing we need here is more ice!  Just remember... if I ever disappear for any length of time it's probably because we lost power.  I sure hope that does not happen again, but you never know.  Anyway, just wanted to check in and let you all know that I'm on the right track for 2009 and hope you are too!  I look forward to a lighter year for all of us.  And when I say lighter, I don't mean just weight.  I really want less stress, less things on my "to do" list and less demands on my time.  In other words... I want to be good to myself and put myself first.  It will be the year I work on ME!  It will be a very good year :o)

Jan 4, Sunday Morning:  Happy New Year to everyone!  I am on an extended vacation because as soon as my son left to go back on the road my brother and his wife and one of their sons came to visit.  They are still here.  Now, let me tell you about them... they LOVE SWEETS!!!  So I told them this was a "no donut zone" and they have complied nicely :o)  They do bring in the sweets but only enough so that everything gets eaten right away.  So I have not had to have triggers around me.  And I've even been eating a bit less, I think.  And today they are off to get their fill of seafood and I am staying home and skipping that trip.  I will make a nice hot pot of soup instead.  I love it when I make a fresh pot.  A pot lasts me usually 4 days and even though each pot is pretty much the same I look forward to the nice smell of it cooking.  So I easily survived 3 holidays (thanksgiving, christmas and new year) without changing my eating habits at all.  And if I can do it, you certainly can!!!  Please let me hear your success stories!